I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
