Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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