I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
