and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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