she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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