What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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