i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
