I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
