Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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