you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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