the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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