there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
