there's paper in my vomit.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
