i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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