my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
