you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
