My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
