chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
