I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
