Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
