i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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