I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
