But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
