from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So vagazzling was a success
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
