Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
