he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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