He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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