dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
