Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
