The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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