Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
