3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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