Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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