When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize