I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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