FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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