I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
