I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
