Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
