We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
