We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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