oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
