I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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