dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
