Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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