Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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