it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
