My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
