3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
