Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
