I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
