dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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