With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
