My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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